


Lost memories

by MrsdeLancier



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Other, x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 19:17:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3781306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsdeLancier/pseuds/MrsdeLancier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the reader (you) has lost all his/her memories from the last mission. Forgetting is not pleasant, but neither is remembering.<br/>The wintersoldier is not a nice man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of my first Reader X fics, just to get the feel of it. Its not perfect :)

You shake your head, a little dizzy and confused. You’re in some grimy motel room, on a bed. It feels as if you’ve been there for ages. Your muscles are stiff, and you’re really hungry and thirsty.  
The one thing you remember is that you were on a mission, a dark mission, spy style, it is what you do best. Something must have gone wrong, because, you had no idea how you got here or what you should do next.  
Needless to say, you do what any agent would do, you call in. They provide you with a rendezvous point and you go home.  
There are numerous interviews in the following days, about the mission, about your health, all sorts. The questions are ..unpleasant. But you can’t answer them, not a single one. It strikes you as odd. You have excellent memory, so why not now?  
After a couple of days of this, they send you on leave until you’re well enough again. SHIELD, sending you on leave? At a time like this? Really weird. They aren’t that considerate these days, not with all the new threats and all.  
It makes you wonder about the mission you were on. 

You spend some time in your flat, away from your colleagues and friends. You miss out on a good party, thrown by Stark himself. When you go to check your mailbox, you find a big envelope there, in your own handwriting.. That is just a little more than plain odd. It’s weird.  
You find a tape when you open the envelope, with a card attached to it. By now you’re a bit freaked out, this is probably not good. The second thing that comes out of the envelope is a flash drive. Great, this is bad, why would you send this to yourself and then forget about it? on purpose no less.  
The card says ‘Trust me’ in your own handwriting again, right..  
You decide to play the tape, because you’re very curious about it, as well as terrified. 

….click..

‘Is this thing working? Anyone there? Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is a recording of you. Recognize the voice? Good, you’re listening to yourself, you probably don’t remember recording this, I doubt you remember anything of the last few days. Someone erased your memory.  
No, that isn’t impossible, I saw them do it. LISTEN to me.  
I am you, me, you know.. God, it is so confusing!’

You stop the tape to get some air, you heart is racing. It was your worst fear to have your mind touched by machinery in order to empty a part of it. To hear yourself say all of this is really odd.  
You start the tape again.

‘The important thing is that you know what happened. I didn’t want my memories wiped, but I had to, If I hadn’t done it, I’d have been found out and killed! It was safer to do it this way. So yeah, sorry about the headache, that is a side effect, no fun, I know.’ 

You’d wondered about that, headaches were rare for you.

‘Ok, moving on. I was in a secret base, a H.Y.D.R.A base. I was there to find certain information. It wasn’t as if it was stealing, we needed the information. Yes really! To slow? Sorry. So, I was just about done collecting the data, when I got caught. Literally. I don’t mean stared at, or yelled at, I mean grabbed from behind and thrown against a wall. Yeah, I have the bruises, check your shoulder if you like. When I could see straight again, there was this big dude in front of me, all broody, curiously detached and with a metal arm. That was damn scary, they way it moved.. sure, I’ve seen Starks work, but this was different.’ 

You pause the recording to check your shoulder, it has a big set of bruises. The pain had been bothering you, and it starts to make sense now.  
A guy with a metal arm? How strange, it wasn’t impossible, not with Ironman out there, Stark was a genius with robotics. He could be a real jerk too, but that didn’t change the facts: a metal arm was certainly within possibilities.

‘I know you, stop wondering about the arm and listen, I think that was the Wintersoldier, the assassin Romanov has been after for ages.  
Anyway, I had to put up a fight, I can tell you, that is not easy against that guy! He is damn fast and damn frightening. I really don’t know how I managed to not get killed, since he sliced me with a knife a couple of times. I don’t like using my powers, but I had to.’ 

If there were any doubts about this voice really being you, they are gone now. Nobody knew about the true extent of your abilities, you hid some of it from everyone, and that included Nick Fury and Alexander Pierce. You hated using it and wasn’t going to let someone else decide for you if you should use it or not. 

‘It hurts like hell, every time I do it, but I made sure I hurt him more. I made a grab for his head and then I released all the anger and pain I could summon up into him. He roared like an animal, and I almost let go, because the bastard scared the hell out of me, I mean really, you’ve never- I’VE never seen anyone that scared me more than he does.  
I held on until he blacked out. Not very nice, I know, but trust me; it was that or have him kill me. I am not ready to die just yet.  
Now, with him out cold, I could make my escape. I had all the intel I needed and should not have lingered. I almost didn’t make it out. I ran into some guards, who were freaked out about that big dude being knocked to the ground. I had no choice and just ran, I didn’t stop until I was well away from the base. Yes, I know that I was noticed, it was far from a clean opp. The important thing is that I got the intel.’ 

You wince at the mention of knives. You and knives are not friends. You have several old scars from knife wounds, and apparently a couple of new ones now too. You can’t understand why you hadn’t noticed the bandages until now, that is odd. today was a very, VERY odd day.

‘Why I am going to wipe my mind? Because SHIELD has been compromised, yes, I said that. SHIELD is no longer safe, you have to leave, as soon as you can! Hide that drive I sent, and run as fast and as far as you can. I can’t guarantee that you’ll get the lost memories back, maybe it is best that you don’t. Do not, in ANY case, give the intel to SHIELD, trust no one, go into hiding, I don’t care where. Just hide. I know me best, You have to believe that I do this for the best.’ 

After that, the tape runs into static, There are no instructions, no more words, just the tape and the flash drive. It weighs heavy in your hand. There are choices to make. You’ve said yourself that you can’t trust anyone, not anymore.  
Then why keep the drive, why not get rid of it, destroy it? You have no idea what is on the drive, or even if you can look at it safely. Probably not though, well, not here. Maybe Stark could look at it, him and all his digital things and safeguards, firewalls and stuff. But you know already that you can’t risk it.  
You decide that you should take your own advice, and run for it. You’re on leave already, nothing is keeping you here anyway.

You pack a bag quickly, taking only the bare necessities, passports, money, weapon. You hesitate when you pick up the gun. Taking it would let SHIELD know you were on the run, but leaving it would make you vulnerable to attack.  
You holster it and hide it on your person, if there is a need to use it, you will not have to unpack your bag for it, making the weapon pointless.  
As you unlock your front door, there is a sound, or rather the absence of it that triggers your suspicion. You are so sure that there is someone on the other side of that door. Maybe you should leave via the window.  
Before you can reach the window, the door flies open with such force that it drops out of its hinges. You turn around, startled, with your gun in your hands.  
You almost drop it when you see just who is standing in your now ruined doorway. It has to be that same man from the tape, the one you forgot, because you had your mind wiped, it has to be. He has a metal arm and has the most deadly expression you’ve ever seen and is armed to the teeth. He has a rifle in his hands and aims the barrel at you.

‘Drop the weapon and I won’t kill you..’ He says.  
‘Do I look like an idiot? NO WAY!’ You shout at him, your voice sharp with panic. You aim for his chest, but he has you so scared that you feel your hand shake.Your mind may not remember him, but your body clearly does.  
‘DROP.IT.’ He orders you loudly, making you flinch involuntarily.  
Your hand slips and the weapon falls. Great, you’re now unarmed and facing a killer, and your own body is not cooperating at all.  
‘You took intel, where is it.’ He barks at you now.  
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about!’ Your voice isn’t very stable and you know it; so does he. He takes a couple of steps towards you, making you back away. You need space between the two of you, and time to think. You can not let him have the drive.

The winter soldier glares at you, clearly not pleased with you and your behavior.  
‘Give me the what you stole, and I’ll forget what you did to me. Hide it, and I will hunt you down forever, get it?’ He snarls.  
This man is not good for your nerves, you are so damn twitchy already and he is just making it worse.  
‘Answer me!’  
You jump at the loudness and roughness in his voice. It is all you can do to not turn on your heels to make a dash for the bathroom to hide.  
‘I didn’t steal anything!’ You manage to squeak and you hate yourself for that; you have better self control usually.

In under a second, the man is on top of you, pressing you against the wall. It hurts your already bruised shoulder. HIs metal hand snakes around your throat, making you gasp. That guy was damn quick. When he squeezes the air from your throat you grab his arm. But your powers do not work on metal.  
‘I don’t.. have.. it..’ You falter, seeing dark spots dancing before your eyes.  
‘You lie’ He says, in that deadpan voice that you fear so much.  
You lose focus as he relentlessly chokes the life out of you, and then everything goes dark. The last thing you see are his angry, cold eyes, staring at you as you fade.

 

When you come to, you’re tied up, laying on the floor of your flat The bastard has tied you up so tightly that the rope hurts, it chafes your wrists and ankles. Where have your shoes gone? You were sure that you had shoes on! What kind of a perv would do this?  
You try and wriggle your way out of the ropes, but is useless, the knots are tight and you only succeed in hurting yourself more.  
‘So it isn’t in your clothes, I searched those already. Did you swallow it?’ He asks roughly.  
Now that was a neat idea.. except that swallowing a flash drive, however small, was not very practical.  
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about..’ You repeat. Your throat is painful, even breathing hurts.  
He kneels down in front of you, and you tense up, he has the worst effect on you, you’re not able to control your reactions at all, or lie to him like you are used to doing. He seems to see right through you.  
‘Do you want to die? How are you even an agent, anyone could see that you’re lying through your teeth right now.’ He snarls.  
‘That’s classified.’ You mutter, before you can stop yourself. To your amazement he chuckles.  
‘You’re one of those soft ones aren’t you, all stealth and so on? Running at the very first sign of danger, stealing your way through life?’  
Your aren’t going to be manipulated, no matter how good he was! You bite back a snappy reply and keep your lips sealed. He isn’t getting anything from you. well, you hope that, you haven’t got an idea of the things he might try to get you to talk.  
The floor is an unpleasant place to be on, it’s hard and cold.  
You hope against hope that someone might come over for a visit and maybe alert the police or something.

The wintersoldier smiles at you, the kind of smile that chills you to the bone. whatever he is going to do, it can’t be nice..

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today is not a good day, not at all. You’re in your flat, tied up by an assassin and you’re about to snap under the pressure he is putting you under.  
He showed up all of a sudden, and you can’t even remember him. But he can remember you, only too well.

‘You have a choice, tell me where it is or suffer horrible pains, I might have to break every bone in your miserable body, but you WILL talk.’ The wintersoldier tells you. His tone is conversational, but you can’t help but hear the razor sharp undertone in his voice. It upsets you as you do not want to antagonise him any more than necessary.  
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ You say for the upteenth time. You can’t let him have the flash drive you’ve hidden in your flat.  
He doesn’t believe you.  
‘This is all your own fault..’ He says and then hits your knee with the elbow of his metal arm. You cry out in pain and fear. Something had cracked, you are sure of it.  
‘Even if you could get loose, I doubt that you can run very far with a shattered knee.’ He says in an almost gleeful manner.  
You whimper in agony, but your resolve holds; you’re not about to tell him anything.  
‘I can do this all day. You can’t, you won’t have any bones left for me to break after a few hours. Will you last that long?’ He says thoughtfully.

He hoists you up on your couch, not caring that he drags your broken knee over the cold floor. You almost pass out from the pain.  
‘You’re weak, I can just smell it, weak and stupid. Did you think we didn’t have your place under surveillance? That we’d just let you escape, after that interesting display of that power you have?’  
Too late, you realise that you’d been right: SHIELD had been compromised and you had walked right into the trap they’d set for you.

You swallowed, you’d hoped that he wouldn’t remember that. His smiled grows wider when he sees you react.  
‘Oh yes, we know about that. It made you end up on top of the recruitment list.’  
You avoid his eyes, the last thing you want is to look into those pools of darkness, to see pure malice and cold, calculating assessment. Then you did meet his gaze and you flinched. It is just as bad as you feared.  
‘Where is the drive?’ He asks again. You can’t stop your eyes darting to where you’d hidden it.  
Of course the Wintersoldier sees this. He grins in a wolverine way, sending chills up your spine. Deadpan-face you can handle, him grinning like that, not so much.  
You wriggle to find some slack in your bindings, but there is none. You can’t call for backup because your panic button is way out of reach.  
‘You don’t want a weakling like me, I’ll never last, remember? You said so yourself.’ You say, your voice having that slight tremble you so despise.  
‘H.Y.D.R.A will make you strong. But they will break you first. There is only order..’ The wintersoldier says.  
You can hardly believe it. H.Y.D.R.A wanting you to join their ranks, whether you want to or not. It makes you sick. You had a hard time at SHIELD already, without anyone knowing what you could do. But if you were to work for the enemy? It made your skin crawl just to think of it.

‘Where is the drive.’ He asks again, his tone leaning towards anger now. There isn’t much else to do. You could wait longer, but he might break more of your bones and you don’t really want him to do that.  
‘In a wall socket.’ You answer, not happy about doing so.  
‘Smartass.. which socket of the ten in here?’  
‘Not telling..’ You mumble. The pain in your knee is slowly getting the upper hand, soon, you won’t be able to withstand it and you might pass out.  
The man slaps you hard across your face, forcing you to stay awake.  
‘Last chance..’  
‘Fine, it’s in the one behind the coffee table... ‘ You say through your teeth. You’re angry at yourself for letting him get to you so easily.‘I should have killed you when I had the chance..’  
He grins at this.  
‘Your kind never goes for the kill. You’re a spy, not an assassin. You couldn’t kill if your life depended on it.. which it probably will..’  
You gasp sharply. He’s right, you’re no killer. Maybe you’d kill by accident, or out of self defence, but on purpose? Not a chance!  
‘I’d rather die!’  
‘Interesting, but not likely.’ He says.

You watch as he opens up the wall socket. The drive is hidden there, you can see it glint in the sudden light. He reaches for it, and you hesitate. You’d rigged it as a boobytrap after all, but you are a decent person, even if this damn asshole had to tied up and hurt you. You just couldn’t let it happen.  
‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you.’ You say unhappily.  
‘Why not?’ He inquires. You shrug, a hard feat to accomplish with all this rope around you.  
‘Why do you think?’ You say, before thinking. You really, really need to get a grip on your tongue. He’s angry already, why antagonise him more?  
‘You boobytrapped a power socket? To what end? You’d never get it out again, unless that was your intention. Hide it until all of this blows over? You can’t be that dumb.’ 

He gets up and stalks off. You hear him make a brief call. seconds later, the lamps in your house go out. The bastard had shut down all power to your flat. That was just mean. Very practical, but mean none the less.  
‘Spoilsport..’ You mutter, not quite under your breath.  
The wintersoldier returns to the socket and teases the flash drive out. He puts it in a random pocket and then he comes back to you.  
‘Do you have any last words?’ He asks coldly. You stare at him in disgust. It was such a corny thing to say.  
‘Not to you.’ You say as haughty as you can, which is taking quite a bit of effort.  
He just grins that wolverine grin he does so well. Really, was there some special kind of school where they taught you how to smile like that? You are not about to admit that he has you scared shitless.

He doesn’t cut you free, there wouldn’t be much sense in that, you have a broken knee and can’t walk. He seems to be waiting for something or someone, you can’t tell. There is a knock on the door. Your hope flares up briefly, it might be your neighbor, or a friend.  
It isn’t. Its more armed guys and a wheelchair.  
seriously? They’re going to cart you out in a wheelchair? The very idea offends you, they really don’t think you’re worth much do they.  
‘Where are you taking me?’ You yell.  
‘Your new home.’ One of the other men chuckles.  
‘You won’t get away with this!’ You try, but it’s futile. They have you in the wheelchair in a matter of seconds, there is nothing you can do about it. You hate it, but you’re trapped. You keep your lips sealed after that. You might tell them about the real flash drive if you talk now. That Soldier had simply believed you when you told him to look at the socket by the coffee table. Did he really think you’d give it away so easily? The real one was still hidden.

You don’t really remember anything of what happens next. They drug you senseless and when you wake up, you’re in a tiny room. It’s dimly lit by just one light bulb. You’re in some kind of grey, ugly, coarse pyjama. Your Knee is in a cast.  
You feel utterly lost and alone. If H.Y.D.R.A can do this so easily, what hope is there for the world?

 

 

Steve opened his mail. There was quite a lot of it. One of the letters was bigger than the others, it had a bulge to it. The rest of the letters were discarded quickly, and the went to inspect the odd letter. It had a familiar handwriting on it, must be from one of his colleagues. When he opened it, a tape fell out, with a card attached to it.  
Puzzled by this, Steve went to find his cassette-player.

...Click.

‘Steve! I’m so sorry to have to do this. Could you maybe come by my place later and check if I’m ok? It’s a long story, basically I have to wipe my memory, so I might not know that I sent you this. Confusing? Well, you know me, I never do anything the normal way. Anyway, there is something you need to find, I have no idea where it is, but it’s there, trust me. I was followed out of the base and was tracked home, just like we predicted. I think they’re going to make a move on me sooner rather than later, but I can’t be sure, I can’t predict what they’ll do.’ 

Steve frowned at the cassette-player. This didn’t bode well at all. 

‘I don’t dare tell you what I learned but it’s bad, really bad. If you don’t find me, you have to assume that they already have me. Don’t come after me. I mean it. You can’t come and search for me, but you can search for the intel I left at my place. It’s on a flash drive that I hid in my flat, along with a couple of dummy drives.’ 

He grabbed his coat and keys, ready to go.

‘I’m so sorry Steve. In all likelihood I will not see you again. I’m not important, but the intel is. Please be sure to find it, I don’t trust anyone else enough. Gotta go, I’m out of time and I have only the one chance to wipe my memories. If I don’t see you again, remember me as a friend ok? bye now!’  
The tape ran into static after the last words.  
Steve wasn’t happy at all. He got prank mail enough, but never from SHIELD agents, and certainly nothing as intense as this one. He knew this particular co worker well, and decided to check out the adres. 

When he got there, the road was closed off, the fire department was there. Above, smoke was still billowing up, dispersing into the sky.  
‘What happened here?’ Steve asked the first police officer he can find.  
‘Freak fire.’ The man answered. ‘No fatalities, but the building is lost.’  
‘Sorry to hear that.’ Steve said.  
‘Did you want anything else?’  
‘No, thanks though..’  
Steve went home and then he hid the tape. It was a riddle waiting to be solved. There was no chance that any type of flashdrive had survived the fire. 

‘Remember me as a friend’  
Steve would do that, he would remember you, he never stopped wondering about you, or about the information you’d found.  
It wasn’t until after the downfall of SHIELD that it made sense.

the end.


End file.
